A Change of Season

One summer day in 1972 when I was about ten months old, my mom took me to a local  park we call the “college pond” .  I was learning to walk and she was taking a moment to bask in that new season of my life.  A reporter from the  local newspaper was also near the pond that day and he snapped the photo to the right.  I know it doesn't make sense in terms of times of year, but my brain also wants me to believe this photo, along with the poem posted below, was published in the paper on Mother’s day of that year.  

Anyhoo, while fall is my absolute favorite time of year, I do love me some  springtime too....winter is long gone and good ole summer is right around the corner.  Everybody loves spring it seems.. ....new beginnings, longer days, open toe shoes & my fave...the start of cookout season!

Spring is indeed a bitter sweet time for me.  My mother was born in spring, she passed around this time in the spring and of course, Mother’s day is in spring.  I now have another memorable time attached to spring as my engagement recently ended...all in spring.  So as things are waking up, opening up and looking up universally in spring, things are simultaneously shutting down, ending and changing on a very deep and personal level....from winter to spring I suppose.  Yeah, for me, the change of seasons signals so much.  

As painful as this time of year has been historically for me for the past few years and as heart wrenching as it is right now for new reasons....the crazy thing is that this is also usually the time of year that I have the most peace....that crazy type "what is she smoking" kinda peace.  Yes, I have joy that is bouyed by the longer days, the budding flowers, early morning lawn mower sounds and Saturday Soccer mom activities...but beyond the joy is a deep, deep peace...one that really surpasses all of my human understanding.  After each tear has been shed...for my mom, for me, for my relationship, for all the endings....and anticipated beginnings.....there is simultaneously an increase in joy, understanding, revelation & acceptance.  

I have come to truly know & appreciate the nature of that deep abiding peace and from whence it comes bc my grandmothers taught me about it & my grandfathers lived it....it comes from my faith that God has promised me that with every hardship there will be relief....I am living proof of this bc from all accounts, given what I have been through the last few years, I probably really should be using crack!  But God.....I'm thankful my mom thought enough to work 2 and 3 jobs to care for me, hence allowing me so much time in the company of my grandparents/elders/extended family as a child.  I know she sometimes felt guilty about the time she spent away from me, but she always left me in good hands and being loved by so many responsible, caring & generous adults has made me who I am.  I count it all joy.

With my engagement being off, I find myself in a position much like my mother did when she was my age...raising a child without the benefit of the presence of a significant other to help in the process...but with so much love and support from many, many others.  I do not celebrate the ending of such a meaningful part of my life, but I do celebrate the beginning of what I know God intends to be a brighter tomorrow for myself and my son.  

My mother was a fierce lioness, as all who knew her could attest...but she had the kindest heart and she was very, very smart...she had more than the average dose of good common sense and she was a very hard worker.  Carol didn’t call out sick, didn't drop balls personally or professionally and was always the one to be right there picking up someone else's slack..... and then cussing them out about it later!

As ambivalent as I was about it, I ultimately accepted a promotion this time last year primarily because I knew Carol would have been so proud of me and would have encouraged me heartily to do so....she would then tell everyone she knew all about my new job.  She always believed in me beyond me and I miss her brand of "light a fire to your ass" motivation/encouragement.  From her, I learned the value and benefit of hard work.  In honor of all of the sacrifices she made to see me ascend personally & professionally, I decided I had to at least try....and so I did.  It hasn't been easy....but nothing worth having usually comes with ease....Carol taught me that too.

Funny thing is, I never wanted to be like my mother as a child. She was too opinionated, too fiesty, too honest and too raw.  From my vantage point, she was just too much all around! lol.   As an adult, all I can do is hope to be a small fraction of who and what she was.  

Like Carol, I hope to live life as fearlessly and as much on my own terms as humanly possible.  I hope to always have the courage to speak truth to power, to give voice to that which everyone else is thinking, but is afraid to speak, to fight hard and to love even harder.  To give so much that it is just the natural order of things and to praise God in my own way, trusting that his knowledge of my intentions and my heart alone will suffice.

Yes, if I can be just a little of something, anything, everything that my mother was, it will be well with my soul.

So, i'm kinda all over the place with this one, but if there where one central theme...one intent it would be to encourage all who might be reading to just hold on and to trust in God....for those that have firm grip and are doing ok in this season- be mindful to thank God.  We never really know what folk are going through in this life, so be careful with the words you chose..be slow to anger and quick to forgive.  that rude co-worker might have a severly depressed son at home who is constantly expressing harmful ideations, that jerk that cut you off in traffic may just have lost his job and that rude teenaged cashier might have just learned that her mom’s abusive boyfriend, whom she had to pry off her mother last year, has been paroled to their house...yet again.  Things and people are never quite what they may appear to be...on a number of levels, of this I am so sure.

I don't consider sharing in this way being exposed.  I am not embarrassed, nor am I ashamed..although, I was for a while.  Actually, writing is therapeutic for me...when I can write about it, share it..it becomes less scary and less toxic.  Light exposes and heals.  When I can write about it, I know the healing has begun.  I can only hope that my transparency serves as a blessing to someone else who might be dealing with their own personal winter/spring transitions.  That's one thing my mom wasn't so good at...expressing the hurt behind her truth.  She kept a lot of the pain bottled up...I don't want to replicate that as I think it was a major factor which contributed to her transition this time four years ago. 

To my family and friends and those who are always mindful to text me, reach out to me and support me through it all...I love you to the moon and back again.  I so appreciate you all feeling me and not feeling sorry for me....bc there is a major difference.

To my son, you are the motivation I use to get through every season...my light and constant reminder of God’s grace and love for me.

To my mom, Happy Belated Mother’s Day.    As you know, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you.  I feel you at times like this so strongly that I just wish you would go ahead and materialize before my eyes, I wouldn’t be scared- I promise.  Thank you for showering me with that brand of mother/everlasting love to which none other can compare.  Because of your example, I know that I will make it through whatever life may bring...slightly bruised, but never ever broken.  I know that you know that this year I finally worked up the courage to put your headstone down... I know you are pissed it took me so long to get to this point of acceptance, but I am finally, finally ready.  Forgive me for the delay, I meant no disrespect....in life as in death, I love you..my mother, my sister & my friend.

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